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 Beer, Chewing Gum and Cigarettes

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Super Gamer

Female Number of posts : 319
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PostSubject: Beer, Chewing Gum and Cigarettes   Fri Mar 13, 2009 6:31 am

I wrote this a while ago, to challenge myself a bit. I've never written anything from a male point of view really, so I was wondering what you think of it.

Her breath had the faintest hint of peppermint through the overpowering smell of the cigarettes she'd been smoking. Mixed with the smell of her skin and the occasional slip of her tongue to prove that she was tipsy, she was absolutely intoxicating. He had caught sight of her when she walked over to the bar to order another round for herself and her friends. She had a way of moving that made him week in the knees. He couldn't help but look. And then she had turned around, drinks in hand, and had smiled at him.
He couldn't even remember walking up to her. She was standing so close to him now that he could feel the warmth of her skin. The music was so loud they almost had to scream at each other to make themselves understandable, but he didn't care about the damage to his ears. He wanted to breathe in every moment of her, this beautiful creature, drink in every detail he could possibly find. A new song came up, slow and rhythmic, and they were dancing. All of a sudden, her body touched his, their eyes locked for what seemed an eternity. He prayed to every higher power that he might have doubted before that they would make it last forever.

The song had ended and he found himself at the bar ordering more drinks, her arms wrapped around him, her face against his back. Again he wondered if he was dreaming her, made it all up in his mind. When he sat down amidst her friends, her at the other end of the table smiling at him over the edge of her glass, him pressed between two giggling girls, he thought he would die.

The night was cold and so he was brave enough to put a protective arm around her shoulder. She happily snuggled up to him while they walked down the road to her apartment. Every time he sneaked a glance sideways, he could see a faint smile on her face. He swore he would kiss those lips every day for the rest of his life from this moment on, not let her go out of his sight or reach.
She broke loose from his embrace and said she needed some more cigarettes from the night shop across the street. He told her to give up smoking and heard her clear laugh as she ran across the road. He stood there, waiting, breathing in cool air and counting the seconds until she came back. There was no room for mistakes here; he would wait with everything until she was fully and completely his to keep. Even though he had never actually been in love before, he could tell he was now. His knees were like jelly, his hands nearly dripping with cold sweat and his heart beating ferociously in his chest when he thought of her. He saw the flash of her dark hair through the shop's window and held his breath as she stepped out. She smiled her dazzling smile again and kept her eyes on him as she started crossing the road. His world was perfect in that moment; he would marry this girl and live a good, long life.

As the sound of screaming tires reached his ears, the world went into slow motion. He saw her eyes give a hint of fear as she turned and dropped her pack of cigarettes. He started running as to save her, but somewhere in his head he knew it was already too late. Her frail body met the cold metal of the car, her soft lips and sweet voice still not entirely finished a scream. That, and the sound of her body falling to the ground with an almost tender thud were together the worst things he'd ever heard in his life. He couldn't see any more, except for her face and half opened eyes. He knew he was screaming, that the driver of the car was screaming, but nothing registered in his brain. He did not hear the sirens of the ambulance and the police car, he could not move, he could not speak. He held her until the medics gently took her away from him, speaking words he again could not hear. Someone had put a blanket over his shoulders, but he threw it off. His mind was a blur.

A day later, in the hospital, he learned that her name had been Sophie. A twenty-two year old student who lived not three streets away from him. They had been living so close together for nearly four years, and never met before that night. Her parents told him that she was a dancer and an actress. She had two cats. He loved cats. She had died instantly when the car hit her. He had died the second he had set eyes on her.
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Number of posts : 42
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PostSubject: Re: Beer, Chewing Gum and Cigarettes   Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:35 am

There are some small mistakes here and there when it comes to words you ment to use but were not quit the words to use. Such as week and weak. You ment weak. Anyway, the story is very good and has a very sad twist. Althought there wasnt enough manlyness in it in order to overcome the intese romace. Yes this is the point of view a man would have but it seems the execution of all his actions seemed to forced and overall kept bringing me back to how a women would act in this situation. First of all I personaly would be screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to bring her back. Were as, a women in this situation would be kneeling there without anything to say , in shock. But the final thing i should say is take out the cig stuff. It seems like there is to much of a "don smoke or you will be hit by a car" feel coming from this. As well, why didnt he walk across the street with her, If i were him I would have never let go of her.

Anyway, over all its a good peice that needs some tweaking but definently can find its way into a short story section of a certain magazine or two. GOOD DAY!
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PostSubject: Re: Beer, Chewing Gum and Cigarettes   Thu Mar 26, 2009 7:35 pm

Very good writing. I found it worked well. I've never known a man to think like that but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Most guys I know would be thinking about the night of sex to come, not the lifetime of kisses. That said I still believed it. I just thought the dude was a romantic.
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PostSubject: Re: Beer, Chewing Gum and Cigarettes   Sat Mar 28, 2009 6:31 pm

dang, that's tiiight... visuals were established big time... it felt like i was there myself... what have you done to me?...
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