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 Light of Darkness Discussion

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Deathblade
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PostSubject: Light of Darkness Discussion   Sun Feb 08, 2009 3:00 pm

just to keep the thread clean, give me your opinions and chapter 1 will come soon.
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iMazed
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PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:23 am

Heya DB, just a little something from me. First of all, well done. I liked it, it keeps you interested. I'd love to see chapter 2!

Second, just a few tips. Putting something between *stars* is fine when you are writing an RPG, but when you're writing a novel or story by yourself I would refrain from doing so. You might want to change it to something like: The radio chatters and an agitated voice shouts through the speakers. "Unit 23 is down, there is a conformation on heavy weaponry. We need to stop that car!"
It gives your story a little more dynamics.
Also, you should watch for comma's, dots and the use of capital letters. It's important because it ups the level of enjoyment for the reader (at least in my experience, it does).

Mokay, really you shouldn't take this the wrong way, because the next few things I wrote down are just the things I picked up. Hope it helps Very Happy

Quote :
The recollection dawned on him once more, and just as quickly as it came it was pushed away at the same moment.
There is no need for the words 'at the same moment' at the end of the sentence. It weakens it more than strengthens it.

Quote :
such thoughts would of killed him instantly
Quote :
He would of admired it more
To what use is the word of? I'm thinking you might mean 'would have', or maybe you can leave it out completely.

Quote :
"dammit what the hell was that", said one of the robbers
This is what I meant with watching the spelling bit Smile In my opinion, it should be:
"Damnit, what the hell was that?" said one of the robbers.

Quote :
when he made his landing and pistol was pointed
'And' should be 'a' I think?
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Deathblade
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Male Number of posts : 2453
Age : 26
Location : Infitarius Star System, The Planet Galmora
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Registration date : 2009-02-07

PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 5:57 am

Okay thanks for the advice, and chapter 1 is coming along nicely, second your last quote puzzled me. Where did you see a capital "A" in and?
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iMazed
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PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:09 am

Oh sorry Razz my bad, I meant the 'and' between 'landing' and 'pistol'.
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Deathblade
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PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:45 am

except there is no capital?
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iMazed
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PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:49 am

Yes, and that was my mistake for typing it with a capital Razz A hundred apologies!
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jamer508
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PostSubject: Hmm   Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:41 am

I think she is trying to tell you to clarify the sentence. Not to capitalize the word and. Maybe you could try saying "...when he made his landing, pistol pointed,..." ( ignore the ...s they are just there to show that the rest of the sentence isnt there)
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iMazed
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PostSubject: Re: Light of Darkness Discussion   Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:42 am

Exactemento, thank you jamer Smile
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